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[pfsb] a brotherly chat
Oct. 30th, 2020 12:00 pmHe is ready when Xichen arrives, promptly at wǔ hour, having used the morning in meditation to steady himself, so that he will be better prepared to answer his questions, ready for whatever may be said.
Xichen does not ask.
Instead, he opens the way into Cold Pond Cave, meets Lan Wangji's eyes, and silently stands to the side to allow Gusu Lan's senior healer to enter. Once she does, there is no room left for them to talk. She fills the cave with scolding, chirping like an ancient, angry sparrow, ordering him to disrobe and let her look at his back, admonishing Xichen sharply for trying to undo all her previous good work, her hands gentle as she checks the fresh wounds and new bruises and old scars, all three.
"You are healing well," she proclaims, finally. "You should be fine in two days' time. Not that I would expect anything else, as strong as you are. Don't you dare let it go to your head, Hanguang-jun. If you pull another foolish stunt like this, whatever it was--"
He does not look at his brother, although he can feel Xichen watching them.
"-- I will make sure that you are only given the bitterest of herbs as medicine and might just strangle you with your bandages afterwards, do you understand me?" Her voice cracks, and he looks up at her, startled - and is struck speechless at seeing her tears. He nods, staring, and she swats him lightly on the shoulder before she rubs her sleeve across her face, drying her eyes.
"Ah, go on with you, I don't know why I even bother, no one listens to me, not one of you--"
"Thank you," he murmurs. "Lan-daifu. Thank you."
"You are welcome. And that goes for you as well, Lan-zongzhu--"
Her voice is even sharper when she turns to Xichen, but she does not berate him further. There is something about the look on his face--
Before he can figure it out, she bows to Xichen, and he bows in return, then gives Lan Wangji a long look before escorting her from the cave, without having said a single word.
He is not expecting it, when Xichen returns the next day, again at wǔ hour. This time he brings A-Yuan with him.
A-Yuan is fretful, clinging at first to Lan Wangji's leg and refusing to be dislodged. He strokes the child's hair and murmurs reassurance, glancing at Xichen for any sign of why he is so upset. His brother folds his arms and goes to stand by the wall of the cave, without answering.
He is finally able to coax A-Yuan to let go for a moment, but only when he says that it is so that he can pick him up instead. He braces A-Yuan on his hip and lets him clench his small hands in the front of his robes without discouraging him, and waits to find out what is wrong.
"A-yi said I couldn't come see you," he confesses, finally, in a tiny voice, still clinging to Lan Wangji like a barnacle. "Did I do something bad? Were you mad at me?"
He feels his heart crack as he holds A-Yuan more tightly. "No. You did not do anything wrong. I am not mad at you, A-Yuan."
"Then why?"
"I was being punished," he says. "For something I did."
He can feel Xichen's gaze sharpen, as A-Yuan's eyes go huge with surprise.
"You did something wrong?"
"I broke the rules," he says. He will not lie to this child. "Sometimes it is important to do what you believe is right, even if others say it is wrong. But when you do, sometimes there will be punishment. You will have to decide if it is worth it."
"Oh." A-Yuan is quiet, thinking about that, and while he does Lan Wangji looks up at his brother, holding his gaze with a steady, level look. Xichen looks back at him, still saying nothing, and their silent exchange of stares is broken when A-Yuan pulls at his robes again and Lan Wangji looks back down at him.
"I missed you," A-Yuan tells him, and throws his small arms around Lan Wangji in a hug as far as he can reach.
He pats A-Yuan's back, holding him close. "I missed you, too."
He is not surprised when Xichen arrives the next day as well. His brother's point has been clearly made, by now, and all that remains is to answer the question that lies between them.
This time Xichen is alone, and has brought tea to share. The two of them settle at Lan Yi's table and are quiet for some time. He watches steam curl from the cup into the cave's chill air.
"A-Zhan."
He looks up at Xichen. His brother's voice is soft with sorrow.
"Did it have something to do with Wei Wuxian?"
He does not try to evade. "Yes."
Xichen closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, letting it out very slowly. He waits, while his brother sorts through his thoughts.
"Could it not have waited?" he asks, next.
Lan Wangji shakes his head. "No."
He braces himself then, ready for Xichen to ask next where he went, what he did, all the things he cannot say, only to feel himself turn pale as salt when his brother instead asks, very quietly,
"Is he alive?"
He hears himself make a choked sound, raw with grief. Xichen swiftly leans forward, reaching across the table, and he feels his brother's hand close tightly around his.
"A-Zhan, I'm sorry. I thought -- there was a chance, and I knew if he was, that you would-- I'm so sorry."
He clutches Xichen's hand, trying to breathe, and shakes his head.
"No," he manages, at last. "That-- I-- no. He is dead, Xichen. He is still dead."
"I'm sorry," his brother says again, and Lan Wangji nods.
"I know."
Xichen does not ask.
Instead, he opens the way into Cold Pond Cave, meets Lan Wangji's eyes, and silently stands to the side to allow Gusu Lan's senior healer to enter. Once she does, there is no room left for them to talk. She fills the cave with scolding, chirping like an ancient, angry sparrow, ordering him to disrobe and let her look at his back, admonishing Xichen sharply for trying to undo all her previous good work, her hands gentle as she checks the fresh wounds and new bruises and old scars, all three.
"You are healing well," she proclaims, finally. "You should be fine in two days' time. Not that I would expect anything else, as strong as you are. Don't you dare let it go to your head, Hanguang-jun. If you pull another foolish stunt like this, whatever it was--"
He does not look at his brother, although he can feel Xichen watching them.
"-- I will make sure that you are only given the bitterest of herbs as medicine and might just strangle you with your bandages afterwards, do you understand me?" Her voice cracks, and he looks up at her, startled - and is struck speechless at seeing her tears. He nods, staring, and she swats him lightly on the shoulder before she rubs her sleeve across her face, drying her eyes.
"Ah, go on with you, I don't know why I even bother, no one listens to me, not one of you--"
"Thank you," he murmurs. "Lan-daifu. Thank you."
"You are welcome. And that goes for you as well, Lan-zongzhu--"
Her voice is even sharper when she turns to Xichen, but she does not berate him further. There is something about the look on his face--
Before he can figure it out, she bows to Xichen, and he bows in return, then gives Lan Wangji a long look before escorting her from the cave, without having said a single word.
He is not expecting it, when Xichen returns the next day, again at wǔ hour. This time he brings A-Yuan with him.
A-Yuan is fretful, clinging at first to Lan Wangji's leg and refusing to be dislodged. He strokes the child's hair and murmurs reassurance, glancing at Xichen for any sign of why he is so upset. His brother folds his arms and goes to stand by the wall of the cave, without answering.
He is finally able to coax A-Yuan to let go for a moment, but only when he says that it is so that he can pick him up instead. He braces A-Yuan on his hip and lets him clench his small hands in the front of his robes without discouraging him, and waits to find out what is wrong.
"A-yi said I couldn't come see you," he confesses, finally, in a tiny voice, still clinging to Lan Wangji like a barnacle. "Did I do something bad? Were you mad at me?"
He feels his heart crack as he holds A-Yuan more tightly. "No. You did not do anything wrong. I am not mad at you, A-Yuan."
"Then why?"
"I was being punished," he says. "For something I did."
He can feel Xichen's gaze sharpen, as A-Yuan's eyes go huge with surprise.
"You did something wrong?"
"I broke the rules," he says. He will not lie to this child. "Sometimes it is important to do what you believe is right, even if others say it is wrong. But when you do, sometimes there will be punishment. You will have to decide if it is worth it."
"Oh." A-Yuan is quiet, thinking about that, and while he does Lan Wangji looks up at his brother, holding his gaze with a steady, level look. Xichen looks back at him, still saying nothing, and their silent exchange of stares is broken when A-Yuan pulls at his robes again and Lan Wangji looks back down at him.
"I missed you," A-Yuan tells him, and throws his small arms around Lan Wangji in a hug as far as he can reach.
He pats A-Yuan's back, holding him close. "I missed you, too."
He is not surprised when Xichen arrives the next day as well. His brother's point has been clearly made, by now, and all that remains is to answer the question that lies between them.
This time Xichen is alone, and has brought tea to share. The two of them settle at Lan Yi's table and are quiet for some time. He watches steam curl from the cup into the cave's chill air.
"A-Zhan."
He looks up at Xichen. His brother's voice is soft with sorrow.
"Did it have something to do with Wei Wuxian?"
He does not try to evade. "Yes."
Xichen closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, letting it out very slowly. He waits, while his brother sorts through his thoughts.
"Could it not have waited?" he asks, next.
Lan Wangji shakes his head. "No."
He braces himself then, ready for Xichen to ask next where he went, what he did, all the things he cannot say, only to feel himself turn pale as salt when his brother instead asks, very quietly,
"Is he alive?"
He hears himself make a choked sound, raw with grief. Xichen swiftly leans forward, reaching across the table, and he feels his brother's hand close tightly around his.
"A-Zhan, I'm sorry. I thought -- there was a chance, and I knew if he was, that you would-- I'm so sorry."
He clutches Xichen's hand, trying to breathe, and shakes his head.
"No," he manages, at last. "That-- I-- no. He is dead, Xichen. He is still dead."
"I'm sorry," his brother says again, and Lan Wangji nods.
"I know."
